Nothing

my aunt called. In fact few of them sent their love. care and concern of my well being through the phone. How is it that i am able to avoid each and everyone of them just because of my fear of facing them. As much as i hate to hear the i told you so. I cannot burden them with my problems. cannot bring myself to share with them. Isn't it deeply instill in us to only report the good and happy but not sad and sufferings to our beloved ones? if it was in my powers i would wipe off all memories of me in them to avoid their sadness. How nice it would be if there never knew I existed. I do not wish to bring any sadness to them or have them go through the loss of beloved ones, the guilt and also blaming themselves for not noticing. Is this my pride, perhaps. Too proud to admit failure, too proud to say i was wrong, wanting to believe a silver lining in all these. But days still stays dark and gloomy. I am not sure for how long i am able to put up this brave happy optimistic front. Please just let me hold it all together. Please don't let me be shattered into pieces. Please....

Into the twilight zone

Promises made, yet uncertainty still clouds around me. Decisions made, action taken and let things pave its way. No turning back. For better or for worse I'll leave it to my destiny to unravel the events. taking me down the road of an unfamilar path.  Numbing myself of the uneasy feeling and queasiness.  Preparing for the worst. Coping with silence and a weak shimmer of hope. Heavy footsteps, empty minds. Will i be able to last until all is well and promises fulfilled?

Dark days

As I sat among the crowd, 

loneliness crept up to say hello. 

The more I ignore him, 

the louder he bellows. 

and as he envelopes me with his strong arms

stifling me of my cries

I was sent into an abyss of darkness,  

it wasn't very nice.

I refused to just give in 

and struggle to continue living.

But please tell me what kind of life it is,

if it is without living.

************

I've never felt lonelier 

in a crowd

surrounded by people 

yet none understands me

they said they care 

they said they'd help

but how could they 

when i can't bring myself to share it out

***********

泡沫 by GEM

泡沫 by GEM

阳光下的泡沫　是彩色的
就像被骗的我　是幸福的
追究什么对错　你的谎言　基于你还爱我

美丽的泡沫　虽然一刹花火
你所有承诺　虽然都太脆弱
但爱像泡沫　如果能够看破　有什么难过

早该知道泡沫　一触就破
就像已伤的心　不胜折磨
也不是谁的错　谎言再多　基于你还爱我

美丽的泡沫　虽然一刹花火
你所有承诺　虽然都太脆弱
爱本是泡沫　如果能够看破　有什么难过

再美的花朵　盛开过就凋落
再亮眼的星　一闪过就坠落
爱本是泡沫　如果能够看破　有什么难过

为什么难过　有什么难过　为什么难过

全都是泡沫　只一刹的花火
你所有承诺　全部都太脆弱
而你的轮廓　怪我没有看破　才如此难过

相爱的把握　要如何再搜索
相拥著寂寞　难道就不寂寞
爱本是泡沫　怪我没有看破　才如此难过

在雨下的泡沫　一触就破
当初炽热的心　早已沉没
说什么你爱我　如果骗我　我宁愿你沉默



爱情一开始往往都是甜蜜与幸福的感觉， 一旦久了就变得乏味甚至苦涩。世上有多少爱情是能保持不变，的确的就如泡沫，只有那一刹那的缠烂，非常的脆弱。在追求时所展现的往往是最体面的自己，就在那一刻起已经是一场骗局了。从互相了解，体谅，磨合，到容忍，无奈，沉默，任命。这一步步地往下走最终就抵达了爱情的坟墓。将所有爱情都埋葬起来，是否也该把自己埋在一起呢？

It's alright, It's love

This is another one of my favourite Korean series which isn't the typical soap drama of everyone plotting against one another or the fantasy type of blood sucking Dracula or superpower human or non-human beings. The main plot revolves around various psychological issues and how they work towards solving them or not really solving, but to co-habit and complement each other.

It starts off with a scene of Jae-Yeol (main male character) being stabbed by a random guy while partying in a club (It was his birthday party). You'll get a bit confused at first but the revelation of the reason will dawn upon you in the later parts of the series and it turns out that the stabber was not any random guy but his own brother. The scene then jumps to 2 years later with Jae-Yeol and Hye-Soo (main female character) getting off the wrong foot when they first met each other as guests of a talk show. What first attracts me to this series is the quirky exchange from both main characters which is fast pace, humorous and occasionally heartwarming. Through these small exchanges we are able to feel the chemistry brewing between them which eventually will either lead towards a love or hate relationship. (Didn't people always say that it is only a fine line between love and hate ^-^) As the plot develops, more emotions are being weaved in with how various characters in the plot manage their lives while coping with their mental diseases. It also provides some perspective to the audience that what meets the eye is not all what we seem, educating us to be empathetic and sympathize those who suffer from these illnesses. The most heart wrenching part was when Jae-Yeol (who suffered from psychosis) had to deal with his hallucination and come to terms with it on his own. I cried buckets in the scene when he had finally come to terms with his hallucination and bid a formal farewell to it while being grateful that it was what keeping him sane all these while instead of going bonkers. It also made me intrigued as how delicate the mind is and fascinating of how it works to help us cope with events around us, especially while dealing with traumatic experiences. Hallucinations ain't all that bad and can be very beautiful to co-habit with unless there are signs of it developing to a life-threatening stage. The story then ends on a light and happy note which is absolutely perfect and satisfying, giving audience hope and positive vibes that even though the storm might be rough and turbulent but clear skies will definitely follow through.

If anyone is interested in a more detailed review of the plot you may visit the web address below:

http://www.koreandrama.today/review/its-okay-thats-love-review/

The review was written by Odessa Jones and I like her detailed analysis of the intricate elements that are embedded in the framework of the story.

p.s. I also love the soundtrack 

Back In Action

It's been a while since i've updated anything onto this blog. Well...... quite some time I have to admit........ for about 4 years. But in my defense, I spent a large part of that time overseas so that doesn't count. (excuses, excuses). Did I also forget to mentioned that I was having a hard time accessing my blog as I have forgotten which email I registered with for this blog and it turns out to be an email add that I have long lost. Thus retrieving my blog requires me to spend quite an amount of time digging for my password and ID through a series of answering tons of questions that I have no answer to and repeating that same process by guessing a different answer each time.  Boy that was really exhausting not to mention exhaustive of all possible answer that I was able to squeeze out of my memory. Age is catching up mind you and I am not that efficient in remembering all my password, IDs and answers to my security questions. Now that's all settle........ I would like to officially shout out.............

The Irreplaceable Void

I was just browsing through some blogs that i follow and came across this very touching story posted by masterwordsmith. Here i would like to repost and share it with all my friends.

The Irreplaceable Void

4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder, how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and the kid. ‘cos that is the exact feeling that I have, as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physical and emotional needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.

There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that there was still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after informing my sleepy child.

With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention of just having a well-deserved sleep, all i heard and felt was broken porcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the source of the ‘problem’… a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess on the bedsheet and blanket!

Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short explanation:

“Dad, I was hungry and there wasn’t anymore leftover rice. But you were not back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I remembered you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove without any adults around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me. However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind you ‘cos I was playing with my toys…I am sorry Dad…”

At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks…but I didn’t want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I went towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him, while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the bed. When everything was done and well past midnight, I passed my son’s room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy.

A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting impression on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up.

However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time, his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son’s absence from school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to explain. But he wasn’t to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily playing computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, ‘I am sorry, Dad’. But after much probing, I realized that it was a ‘Talent Show’ organized by his school and the invite is for every student’s mummy. And that was the reason for his absence as he has no mummy…..

Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to himself and stayed in his room to practise his writing, which I am sure, would make my wife proud, if she was still around. ‘cos he makes me proud too!

Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It’s winter, and its Christmas time. Everywhere the christmas spirit is in every passer-by… Christmas carols and frantic shoppers…. but alas, my son got into another trouble. When I was about to knock off from the day’s work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master was also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has attempted to post several letters with no addressee. Although I did make a promise never to hit my son again, I couldn’t help but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control. Once again, as before, he apologized, ‘ I’m sorry, Dad’ and no additional reason to explain. I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year.

His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy.

My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to ask him: ” But why did u post so many letters, at one time?” My son’s reply was: ” I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once…”

After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to say….

I told my son, ” Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacified and calm, and soon after, he was sleeping soundly. On promising that I will burn the letters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldnt help opening the letter before they turn to ash.

And one of the letters broke my heart….

Dear Mummy,

I miss you so much! To day, there was a ’Talent Show’ in school, and the school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was furious, and he couldnt help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell him the real reason. Mummy, every day I see Dad missing you and whenever he think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in his room. I think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own good I think. But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why havent you appear?

After reading the letter, I cant stop sobbing. ‘cos I can never replace the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife….

For the females with children:
Don’t do so much over ti me. If you cannot finish the work, it must be some kind of problems within the company, and it is not your sole problem. Feedback to your boss. Endless over ti me may not necessary be the answer to the problem. Take care of your health so that you can treasure and take care of your little precious.

For the married men:
Drink less, smoke less, cos nothing can replace your good health, not even business nor clients.
Try thinking this way, are you able to work ti ll your clients are totally dependent on you? or your boss is totally dependent on you? In this society, no one is indispensable.
Take care of your health, so that you can take care of your little precious and your loved ones.

For those singles out there:
Beauty lies in loving yourself first.
With confidence and loving yourself, you will see the beauty in other things around you. You will be able to work better and happier. Don’t let your health be affected by your work or your boss, so nothing matters more than your well being.

When to stop and when not to...........

I've always been puzzled as to when are we suppose to go all in to achieve something that we want and when to know that limit to stop if it's not meant to be. People always say when there is a will there is a way. If things are not meant to be do we still push on hoping that it will change or should we acknowledge that fact and move on to something else.

I really admire Thomas Edison's persistent in creating the light bulb. How could he accept the rejection and failure of 999 times before successfully succeeding that 1 time. Does it really make that success all much sweeter? What was going through his mind at the 5th time failure, 356th time failure or even 942nd time failure? Thomas Edison, if you were alive i'd really like to know.

I'll keep trying but my patience is wearing thin and my perseverance rope that i'm holding on to is also getting thinner by the minute.

God give me strength.

Angels - Within Temptation

Sparkling angel I believed
You were my saviour in my time of need.
Blinded by faith I couldn’t hear
All the whispers, the warnings so clear.
I see the angels,
I’ll lead them to your door.
There’s no escape now,
No mercy no more.
No remorse cause I still remember
The smile when you tore me apart.

You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they turn into real.
You broke the promise and made me realise.
It was all just a lie.

Sparkling angel, I couldn’t see
Your dark intentions, your feelings for me.
Fallen angel, tell me why?
What is the reason, the thorn in your eye?
I see the angels,
I’ll lead them to your door
There’s no escape now
No mercy no more
No remorse cause I still remember
The smile when you tore me apart

You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they turn into real.
You broke the promise and made me realise.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.

This world may have failed you,
It doesn’t give you a reason why.
You could have chosen a different path in life.

The smile when you tore me apart.

You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they turn into real.
You broke the promise and made me realise.
It was all just a lïe.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.

Movie Mania

A really hectic week. Loads to be done but did not forget to have fun too. Me and my collegue went for movies consecutive weeks. We watched little red riding hood, which was quite a lame adaptation of the fairytale but loved the red cape worn by the main actress, and of course priest (joined by another 2 friends) that was way much better. At first we were reluctant to watch priest, afraid that it would be a let down by just mere gruesome killing or lavish side effects as a show off purpose (comparing it with Tron), but under the persistent persuasion of a persistent fan of Maggie Q (a male friend), we went. Thankfully it came out alright if not we would have murdered him for dragging us all the way there. ^-^

Our next conquest at the cinema would be to watch insidious. A really scary movie (or so as they previewed it).

Good to go

Just checked my results for IELTS and.............. hooray!!! I'm good to go. Now i'll just have to finish up the other small little things before i take off towards my dreams.

Hols ends!

After a week and a half of holidays, i'm back at work. Her i am sitting at my desk blogging away. Wasn't much that happened except i sat for my IELTS last weekend. My reading was not as good as i presumed but other than that i think all others went quite well. Now it's just a matter of waiting for the results.

It really felt good sitting for the exam. It's like I'm young again; heading back to school, feel the adrenaline rush during the exam.

I am so broke!!!!

Went downtown for a time of relaxation and guess what i got - More Stress!!!!! Had a compound ticket cause I exceeded the time of my parking ticket. #$^$@%&^ Stress, stress and whole lot of it. Hate it. RM30 just flew away. Oh..... how many McDonald's breakfast i can buy with that. Tsk....Tsk.......

After paying the compound I'm only left RM15.63 in my account. So broke. When is my next paycheck coming? Mr. paycheck, wouldn't mind if you start running towards me. :P

Mid-Year resolution

During this hols, hoping to get one thing done. At least try to bake a cake. ^-^ or maybe cook a meal for my family. Hope it doesn't end up a disaster.

It's WAR!!!!

Had a sleepless night.
Those bloody mosquitoes.
One fine day, I'll squash them all.
Just last night,
I think they left me 6 or 7 souvenirs.
.
.

Baaaaaaaaaaad mosquitoes!!!!!!

开到茶靡 by 蕭敬騰

*
每只蚂蚁
都有眼睛鼻子
它美不美丽
偏差有没有一毫厘
有何关系

每一个人
伤心了就哭泣
饿了就要吃
相差大不过天地
有何刺激

有太多太多魔力
太少道理
太多太多游戏
只是为了好奇
还有什么值得
歇斯底里
对什么东西
死心塌地

一个一个偶像
都不外如此
沉迷过的偶像
一个个消失
谁曾伤天害理
谁又是上帝
我们在等待
什么奇迹

最后剩下自己
舍不得挑剔
最后对着自己
也不大看得起
谁给我全世界
我都会怀疑
心花怒放
却开到荼蘼
*

Repeat*

Ho....oh....Oh...
Ho....oh....Oh...Ho...Yeah


**
一个一个一个人
 谁比谁美丽
一个一个一个人
谁比谁甜蜜
一个一个一个人
谁比谁容易
又有什么了不起
**

Repeat**

每只蚂蚁
和谁擦身而过
都那么整齐
有何关系
 
每一个人
碰见所爱的人
却心有余悸

Step Up!!!

"I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward"

~Thomas Edison~

If Thomas Edison tried 1000 times and Colonel Sanders was refused 1009 times before succeeding, then who am I to complain.

Cupcakes - for 12

125 gm butter
125 gm sugar
125 gm plain flour (mixed with 1/2 tsp baking powder and 1/2 tsp bicarbonate soda)
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla essence
2 tbsp milk (I use powdered milk mixed with some water)
cupcake casings

First,mix butter and sugar. Once this mixture becomes fluffy and pale yellow, add in eggs, one at a time. Mix well. Then add vanilla essence. Add in half the flour. Then add some milk. Put in remaining flour and milk and mix on medium speed till all combined.

Fill cup cake casings about 3/4 with batter each. The batter will be enough for 12 casings.

Bake in a 160 degree Centigrade oven for 15 to 20 minutes or until a skewer poked into the cake comes out clean. (Pre-heat oven for 20 minutes before you start mixing your cake batter)

* you can put in any extra ingredients such as rainbow sprinkles, raisin, berries of add frostings

Overseas

It's been a long journey for me and i feel so tired. I'm all bump and bruises in trying to fulfill my dream in which i tend to stop and think ....it's all of these worth it? I've walk down so many wrong paths and reach so many dead ends to the point of giving up. It would be still bearable if there was a companion, friend or family to support and guide, but I'm all alone in this. As i look around I have a desire to be a recluse and hide in my own little fabricated world.

I sometimes wonder why does god have to make this so hard a journey for me to continue? throwing obstacles after obstacles at me? I've had a friend who said those obstacle are god's way of helping us learn and grow,and the obstacles or burden that are given to us would be of something that he is sure we could bear and solve. Well god, i just want to say maybe you've overestimated me. I'm really drowning here. I'm trying to hang on and move forward but sadly i can't seem to find anything to hang on to.

So lonely, so frustrated, so tired..........

“Experience is the most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.”

- C.S.Lewis

April Fools

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