Nothing

my aunt called. In fact few of them sent their love. care and concern of my well being through the phone. How is it that i am able to avoid each and everyone of them just because of my fear of facing them. As much as i hate to hear the i told you so. I cannot burden them with my problems. cannot bring myself to share with them. Isn't it deeply instill in us to only report the good and happy but not sad and sufferings to our beloved ones? if it was in my powers i would wipe off all memories of me in them to avoid their sadness. How nice it would be if there never knew I existed. I do not wish to bring any sadness to them or have them go through the loss of beloved ones, the guilt and also blaming themselves for not noticing. Is this my pride, perhaps. Too proud to admit failure, too proud to say i was wrong, wanting to believe a silver lining in all these. But days still stays dark and gloomy. I am not sure for how long i am able to put up this brave happy optimistic front. Please just let me hold it all together. Please don't let me be shattered into pieces. Please....

Into the twilight zone

Promises made, yet uncertainty still clouds around me. Decisions made, action taken and let things pave its way. No turning back. For better or for worse I'll leave it to my destiny to unravel the events. taking me down the road of an unfamilar path.  Numbing myself of the uneasy feeling and queasiness.  Preparing for the worst. Coping with silence and a weak shimmer of hope. Heavy footsteps, empty minds. Will i be able to last until all is well and promises fulfilled?

Dark days

As I sat among the crowd, 

loneliness crept up to say hello. 

The more I ignore him, 

the louder he bellows. 

and as he envelopes me with his strong arms

stifling me of my cries

I was sent into an abyss of darkness,  

it wasn't very nice.

I refused to just give in 

and struggle to continue living.

But please tell me what kind of life it is,

if it is without living.

************

I've never felt lonelier 

in a crowd

surrounded by people 

yet none understands me

they said they care 

they said they'd help

but how could they 

when i can't bring myself to share it out

***********

Back In Action

It's been a while since i've updated anything onto this blog. Well...... quite some time I have to admit........ for about 4 years. But in my defense, I spent a large part of that time overseas so that doesn't count. (excuses, excuses). Did I also forget to mentioned that I was having a hard time accessing my blog as I have forgotten which email I registered with for this blog and it turns out to be an email add that I have long lost. Thus retrieving my blog requires me to spend quite an amount of time digging for my password and ID through a series of answering tons of questions that I have no answer to and repeating that same process by guessing a different answer each time.  Boy that was really exhausting not to mention exhaustive of all possible answer that I was able to squeeze out of my memory. Age is catching up mind you and I am not that efficient in remembering all my password, IDs and answers to my security questions. Now that's all settle........ I would like to officially shout out.............

The Irreplaceable Void

I was just browsing through some blogs that i follow and came across this very touching story posted by masterwordsmith. Here i would like to repost and share it with all my friends.

The Irreplaceable Void

4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder, how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and the kid. ‘cos that is the exact feeling that I have, as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physical and emotional needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.

There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that there was still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after informing my sleepy child.

With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention of just having a well-deserved sleep, all i heard and felt was broken porcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the source of the ‘problem’… a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess on the bedsheet and blanket!

Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short explanation:

“Dad, I was hungry and there wasn’t anymore leftover rice. But you were not back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I remembered you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove without any adults around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me. However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind you ‘cos I was playing with my toys…I am sorry Dad…”

At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks…but I didn’t want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I went towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him, while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the bed. When everything was done and well past midnight, I passed my son’s room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy.

A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting impression on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up.

However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time, his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son’s absence from school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to explain. But he wasn’t to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily playing computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, ‘I am sorry, Dad’. But after much probing, I realized that it was a ‘Talent Show’ organized by his school and the invite is for every student’s mummy. And that was the reason for his absence as he has no mummy…..

Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to himself and stayed in his room to practise his writing, which I am sure, would make my wife proud, if she was still around. ‘cos he makes me proud too!

Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It’s winter, and its Christmas time. Everywhere the christmas spirit is in every passer-by… Christmas carols and frantic shoppers…. but alas, my son got into another trouble. When I was about to knock off from the day’s work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master was also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has attempted to post several letters with no addressee. Although I did make a promise never to hit my son again, I couldn’t help but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control. Once again, as before, he apologized, ‘ I’m sorry, Dad’ and no additional reason to explain. I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year.

His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy.

My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to ask him: ” But why did u post so many letters, at one time?” My son’s reply was: ” I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once…”

After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to say….

I told my son, ” Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacified and calm, and soon after, he was sleeping soundly. On promising that I will burn the letters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldnt help opening the letter before they turn to ash.

And one of the letters broke my heart….

Dear Mummy,

I miss you so much! To day, there was a ’Talent Show’ in school, and the school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was furious, and he couldnt help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell him the real reason. Mummy, every day I see Dad missing you and whenever he think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in his room. I think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own good I think. But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why havent you appear?

After reading the letter, I cant stop sobbing. ‘cos I can never replace the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife….

For the females with children:
Don’t do so much over ti me. If you cannot finish the work, it must be some kind of problems within the company, and it is not your sole problem. Feedback to your boss. Endless over ti me may not necessary be the answer to the problem. Take care of your health so that you can treasure and take care of your little precious.

For the married men:
Drink less, smoke less, cos nothing can replace your good health, not even business nor clients.
Try thinking this way, are you able to work ti ll your clients are totally dependent on you? or your boss is totally dependent on you? In this society, no one is indispensable.
Take care of your health, so that you can take care of your little precious and your loved ones.

For those singles out there:
Beauty lies in loving yourself first.
With confidence and loving yourself, you will see the beauty in other things around you. You will be able to work better and happier. Don’t let your health be affected by your work or your boss, so nothing matters more than your well being.

When to stop and when not to...........

I've always been puzzled as to when are we suppose to go all in to achieve something that we want and when to know that limit to stop if it's not meant to be. People always say when there is a will there is a way. If things are not meant to be do we still push on hoping that it will change or should we acknowledge that fact and move on to something else.

I really admire Thomas Edison's persistent in creating the light bulb. How could he accept the rejection and failure of 999 times before successfully succeeding that 1 time. Does it really make that success all much sweeter? What was going through his mind at the 5th time failure, 356th time failure or even 942nd time failure? Thomas Edison, if you were alive i'd really like to know.

I'll keep trying but my patience is wearing thin and my perseverance rope that i'm holding on to is also getting thinner by the minute.

God give me strength.

Movie Mania

A really hectic week. Loads to be done but did not forget to have fun too. Me and my collegue went for movies consecutive weeks. We watched little red riding hood, which was quite a lame adaptation of the fairytale but loved the red cape worn by the main actress, and of course priest (joined by another 2 friends) that was way much better. At first we were reluctant to watch priest, afraid that it would be a let down by just mere gruesome killing or lavish side effects as a show off purpose (comparing it with Tron), but under the persistent persuasion of a persistent fan of Maggie Q (a male friend), we went. Thankfully it came out alright if not we would have murdered him for dragging us all the way there. ^-^

Our next conquest at the cinema would be to watch insidious. A really scary movie (or so as they previewed it).

Good to go

Just checked my results for IELTS and.............. hooray!!! I'm good to go. Now i'll just have to finish up the other small little things before i take off towards my dreams.

Hols ends!

After a week and a half of holidays, i'm back at work. Her i am sitting at my desk blogging away. Wasn't much that happened except i sat for my IELTS last weekend. My reading was not as good as i presumed but other than that i think all others went quite well. Now it's just a matter of waiting for the results.

It really felt good sitting for the exam. It's like I'm young again; heading back to school, feel the adrenaline rush during the exam.

I am so broke!!!!

Went downtown for a time of relaxation and guess what i got - More Stress!!!!! Had a compound ticket cause I exceeded the time of my parking ticket. #$^$@%&^ Stress, stress and whole lot of it. Hate it. RM30 just flew away. Oh..... how many McDonald's breakfast i can buy with that. Tsk....Tsk.......

After paying the compound I'm only left RM15.63 in my account. So broke. When is my next paycheck coming? Mr. paycheck, wouldn't mind if you start running towards me. :P

Mid-Year resolution

During this hols, hoping to get one thing done. At least try to bake a cake. ^-^ or maybe cook a meal for my family. Hope it doesn't end up a disaster.

It's WAR!!!!

Had a sleepless night.
Those bloody mosquitoes.
One fine day, I'll squash them all.
Just last night,
I think they left me 6 or 7 souvenirs.
.
.

Baaaaaaaaaaad mosquitoes!!!!!!

Overseas

It's been a long journey for me and i feel so tired. I'm all bump and bruises in trying to fulfill my dream in which i tend to stop and think ....it's all of these worth it? I've walk down so many wrong paths and reach so many dead ends to the point of giving up. It would be still bearable if there was a companion, friend or family to support and guide, but I'm all alone in this. As i look around I have a desire to be a recluse and hide in my own little fabricated world.

I sometimes wonder why does god have to make this so hard a journey for me to continue? throwing obstacles after obstacles at me? I've had a friend who said those obstacle are god's way of helping us learn and grow,and the obstacles or burden that are given to us would be of something that he is sure we could bear and solve. Well god, i just want to say maybe you've overestimated me. I'm really drowning here. I'm trying to hang on and move forward but sadly i can't seem to find anything to hang on to.

So lonely, so frustrated, so tired..........

“Experience is the most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.”

- C.S.Lewis

My Dream

I have a dream. A simple one. As if I just reach out my hands I would be able to achieve it. However, no matter how hard I try extending both of my arms it just seems unreachable. And as time passes, the courage to extend those arms seems to have shrunk a little. Then without consciousness i started to retract those arms. With other responsibilities & burden, my courage continues to shrink until at some point i suddenly realise I'm just hugging myself retreated back into that little comfortable faraway corner of mine.
My dream........ can only be a dream.

Karma??

Japan has been hit by a massive scale earthquake followed by a tsunami that has destroyed most parts of the country and claimed many lives. It is sad to hear this news and i guess it is a common feeling for all when we relate to tragic incidents or natural disasters like this. However, what is more disheartening is some of the comments posted on facebook related to this incident.

Some people think that Japan deserves this tragic fate due to somethings that their ancestors did a very long time ago. I think 'karma' was the word that they used. Yes, for those who are bad and commit crimes we do hope that one day they will suffer the same pain that they have put others through but is it right for their descendants to suffer the crimes as well? The world is already chaotic as it is then why add drama to it?

I guess the question that we would want to ask ourselves is that do we want to fuel this bad karma or stop it and start creating some good karma. As the the saying goes 'one good deed deserves another' and let's start by having empathy and give a helping hand to the victims. There is no point in holding a grudge forever, who knows we might not even have a forever by looking at all the natural disasters that mother nature has bestowed upon us. i think it's time we pull our act together, don't you?

A little wisdom to share

There's always a little truth behind every

'just kidding'

a little curiosity behind every

'just wondering'

a little emotion behind every

'i don't care'

a little knowledge behind every

'i don't know'

and a little pain behind every

'it's ok'

STOP CHILD ABUSE

"Daddy......it hurts"
My name is Chris ,
I am three,
My eyes are swollen..
I cannot see.
I must be stupid,
I must be bad,
What else could have made ,
My daddy so mad?

I wish I were better,
I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my Mommy,
Would still want to hug me.

I can't do a wrong,
I can't speak at all,
Or else I'm locked up,
All day long.

When I'm awake,
I'm all alone,
The house is dark,
My folks aren't home.

When my Mom does come home,
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe I'll just get,
One whipping tonight.

I just heard a car,
My daddy is back,
From Charlie's bar

I hear him curse,
My name is called ,
I press myself,
Against the wall.

I try to hide,
From his evil eyes,
I'm so afraid now,
I'm starting to cry.

He finds me weeping,
Calls me ugly words,
He says its my fault,
He suffers at work.

He slaps and hits me,
And yells at me more,
I finally get free,
And run to the door.

He's already locked it,
And I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me,
Against the hard wall.

I fall to the floor,
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues,
With more bad words spoken.

'I'm sorry!', I scream,
But it's now much to late,
His face has been twisted,
Into a unimaginable shape.

The hurt and the pain,
Again and again,
O please God, have mercy!
O please let it end!

And he finally stops,
And heads for the door,
While I lay there motionless,
Sprawled on the floor.

My name is Chris ,
I am three,
Tonight my daddy,
Murdered me.

I guess most of you have read this heart wrenching poem before as it has been circulating in the emails for some time now. Child abuse has been ongoing everywhere and the statistics are alarming. The most unbearable type of child abuse for me would be those who physically or sexually abuse an innocent child. I really could not understand how one could bear to lay such heavy hands on a child or deflower their innocence. If you could just spare a moment to look into their pleading eyes, calling out for you to stop, I'll bet you won't have the heart to carry on.




As i quote:
While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about.
~Angela Schwindt

Wouldn't it be better to see the smiles on their faces as it not only brightens up your day, but also lights up the whole world.



Bruises might heal, but the pain lasts forever.
STOP CHILD ABUSE!!!

Lie back and relax....

The unexpected things that happen in your life which isn't very pleasant and makes you want to pull all your hair out (argh......) yup those type..... well if you look at it at a different point of view they may not be so depressing.

I've once read a motivational book on how one can achieve a happy life is by looking at all of these unwanted events as challenges in life which god gives you in order for you to grow and be more matured and wise. Recently at lot of projects were being dumped onto me and... well.... the nice saying would be: I'm so capable that the boss entrust me with all these projects or on the other hand a mere implication that I'm the most hardworking donkey/cow who has no social life after work in the office that makes me the most appropriate candidate to dump those projects at. (Yup... i know that my description is long but that fits the bill perfectly so bear with it. ^-^ )

As i was grousing about all these and pondering if I'm the only one who is doing work in the unit worrying that in the long run I'll probably go insane or have severe depression, why not just twist my perspective a little, look at it positively and my day will become brighter. A thought then just hit me that all these tasks entrusted upon me may be god's wishes to educate me and shape me into a better person.

Hm..... now let me analyze myself.
1) I'm not that pessimistic about things anymore; at least now I'm taking things in a more positive way.
2) I'm slowly learning to lie back and relax instead of rushing to get things done way ahead of the time limit given in which does not coincide with the pace of my other colleagues. Besides, you'll get more work entrusted upon you and it'll be a never ending cycle.
3) I'm so used to being subordinate that now it gives me a chance to order people around instead, as I'm the coordinator of the project. I get to determine who does what and goes where? He He He (although I'm still being supervised by the King and Empress Dowager ^~^ but it's already an improvement)

All in all, there's nothing bad to it. we'll eventually get through it somehow so why fret? Just lie back and relax.
Now, I'll just continue doing the jobs or task given to me and completing them in time while focusing on how to further my Masters and start working on that, cause the latter would be my ultimate goal by the end of next year.

Yesterday Once More

I've been staring at my blank computer screen for some time now. To be exact it would be for almost an hour not doing anything. A lot needs to be done yet I'm not moving. It's hard to start doing anything when there is nothing to start on and yet things keep piling up in your head.

Time is slowly slipping away, every second passes me by, can't seem to be able to get a hold onto it. Not sure if i wanted to, hoping that when this day passes a new day will come and yesterday will be left to yesterday. But I forget........... that yesterdays do catch up.

I NEED TO JUMP!

SoOoOOoooOOooo really need.